By Jill Roberts
Recently, I was asked by a young person in my life, if anyone ever annoys me, since their claim was it seemed I only ever see the good in people.
“Yes, people can annoy me,” I replied. They can also disappoint and anger me, as I’m sure I’m capable of doing unto others. None of us are perfect, after all. But, with age, and hopefully wisdom, I’ve learned it doesn’t do me any good to remain focused on the qualities or actions of a person that I may not understand, like, or agree with.
Consider if you will, that in order to feel abundant love in your heart, you must gather it through the beauty you can spot in the people and the world around you. If I choose to fixate on the things that annoy me, or use my time to criticize others, then I’m missing opportunities to spot the beautiful treasures that keep my heart full.
So, how do I handle those instances, when someone can get under my skin? Or, when I catch myself being overly critical or complaining about someone?…Well, it helps to keep a broader perspective. Basically, I remind myself to give people a little slack for being human.
Here’s some considerations I bring to mind to soften my edge:
None of us carry the same set of tools for building a life. Nature, nurture and personal experiences all contribute to how we each navigate and respond to the world and people around us. We all struggle in some areas and succeed in others. That “thing” that comes easy or apparent to me, may be a challenge for someone else, and vice versa.
We are all simply doing the best we can within our physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual capacity. If I can’t be patient and forgiving of someone’s deficiencies then I can’t expect for them to be patient and forgiving of mine. With that consideration in mind, I choose to be patient and understanding with others. To judge or criticize is to deny the imperfections that make us human.
The time it takes to criticize and judge others, is time lost recognizing and improving my own shortfalls. I’m more aware now, than when I was younger, of the tendency to focus on someone else’s issues as a way to avoid recognizing and dealing with mine. When I’m getting annoyed with others, it’s typically because there’s something in my life that I’m discontent with.
Even more revealing, most often, although it may be disguised differently, the same thing I’m criticizing someone else for, usually appears in my life as well. It’s just much easier to evaluate the shortfalls in others, than it is to improve upon mine.
To criticize a person for all that they’re not, is to never appreciate all that they are. None of us are at our best 100% of the time. There are moments we can say and do the appropriate thing; and moments we miss the mark. Depending on the circumstance or my level of anxiety, I can be pleasant and kind, or seemingly rude and impolite.
Just like I wouldn’t want others to imprint a negative opinion of me based on one aspect, or encounter, I try to keep a clean slate with those who may not have initially left a positive impression. If I continue to fixate on someone’s less admirable qualities, I may miss the ways they shine their light onto the world.
Paying a compliment to someone shouldn’t require putting down someone else in comparison. “You do that so much better than they did,” or “I like you better than them,” or “You wear that better than they did;” are just a few examples of how unnecessary criticism is often inserted when offering a compliment. We’ve all done it; But, why not just say, “You’re doing a good job,” or “I like you,” or “that looks good on you.”
When we make a comparison for the sake of a compliment, it creates a competition that neither participant entered. Although such comparisons are intended to mean well, it makes one person’s success come at the insult to another.
If someone isn’t your cup of tea, it’s possible they make a better shot of whiskey. We’re not intended to favor everyone we meet. There are those we encounter, who’s loving temperament add a welcomed warmth to whatever space we occupy. While others are tougher going down, and challenge our tolerance. Even so, I can still appreciate those who can be a bit hard to swallow.
For example, I used to frequently cross paths with a fellow parent who was an outspoken and persistent advocate for her children. In contrast, I had a more hands-off approach, and at times found her zealousness a bit irritating. Even so, I admired her tenacity for digging in her heals and initiating action where she sought necessary. As much as I could find her irritating, I also thought, if I ever needed an advocate, I’d want her on on my side.
If we were all the same, what a boring world this would be. I like me, but if everyone thought like me, and proceeded through life like me, things would become pretty boring. Diversity provides the contrast that keeps people and the world interesting. Moreover, creativity and ingenuity start with ideas and perspectives that sit apart from the norm.
If I live to promote and encourage diversity, then I need also to accept it, which includes freely allowing others to express their taste, without teasers or mockery. Instead of becoming annoyed to a difference of opinion, or to ideas that stretch outside my comfort zone, I consider them like items on a menu; If it doesn’t tempt my appetite or get me curious, I simply pass it over for something that does.
If I’m genuinely concerned about someone, it would seem to make more sense to talk to them, instead of about them. At times in my life, as I’m sure many other have, I’ve found it difficult to ask for help; Or, I’ve kept myself busy with distractions to avoid a glaring impropriety in my life; Or, the perfect storm of circumstance and emotion took me off the rails of morality, and down a path of unbecoming behavior.
It was during those instances, when the people who offered a hand; Or, a genuine “how are you”; Or, called me out on my bullshit, contributed to a lifeline out of a storm. It was through those humbling experiences that I grew to be more attentive to those who may be experiencing challenges or hardships. If I don’t feel it my place to speak to them, then it certainly isn’t my place to talk about them.
We’re all a mix bag of behaviors and opinions, so why not seek to uncover what we deem the most pleasant in those around us. Sure, it might sound a little “Pollyanna,” but I know from experience that the more good I uncover in the people around me, the more love and appreciation I feel in my heart.